You never outgrow them.

Tonight Dani woke up after Tori went to sleep.  I went upstairs to check on her, and give her a drink of water.  "Can I have just one more kiss and hug, Mommy?" 

I was happy to oblige.

"Mommy, no matter how big you get, you just don't outgrow kisses and hugs."

Truer words have never been said.

Ringing in the new year with the folks.

 A few days after Christmas, my parents flew in for a visit.

So the kids had a second round of presents and holiday cheer!

The kids were so excited!

My parents are in their mid 60s, but you'd never know it by their boundless energy.  They are the most attentive and fun grandparents you can imagine.

 They wanted Grandma and Grandpa to watch Despicable Me.

 Tommy and Grandma doing a New Year's Eve conga.

 New Year's Eve wouldn't be complete without noisemakers!

 Wes had to go to work but I managed to sneak in a quick photo before he left.

 

As we start this new year, I resolve to take nothing for granted, to appreciate every moment, at home, at work, with my family and friends.

Cheers!

Christmas time is here!

 Two weeks before Christmas we got SNOW!  Lots of it.  It was light and powdery, and no good for snowman making, but the kids had a blast.  Tommy was too little to really go out in the snow last year, so this was his first time in a snowsuit playing.  The snow was up to his waist, and he really couldn't move around too easily.  Once we convinced him to stop taking off his gloves, he had a pretty good time.

Tori decided that slides and swings are even more fun in winter!

 And then it was Christmas.  This was the first year we stayed home.  I was really kind of bummed about it at first-we have some local family that we always spend Christmas with, and we decided that a 3 hour round trip with the kids wasn't going to work this year.  I told Wes we still needed to dress up and do Christmas dinner right.  So, we did, and it was lovely.  I made a turkey, prime rib, mashed potatoes, rutabagas, sweet potatoes, veggies, bread, stuffing, and a cheesecake.  Needles to say we were eating leftovers for days!

The kids had fun--Tommy's old enough this year to understand the concept of presents, and we watched all the Christmas shows together--Hoops and Yoyo Ruin Christmas being the favorite of everyone (except Wes).

 Wrapping each kid's presents in different wrapping paper makes life a million times easier.

 Tablets for everyone.  Totally cheap Droid tablets ($59 each) that will keep their grubby mitts off my Nexus.

 Santa did not have a goddamn clue  appreciate quite how large the playhouse was going to be--it is two rooms and takes up almost the entire playroom.

 We put on our Christmas dresses and had a lovely dinner.

It was a great day.

As we move into 2014, I'm feeling a bit inspired.

I lost another classmate last week--this time to a heart attack.  And another close friend has cancer.

As Gru would say, "Light bulb."

I'd like to start doing a better job of appreciating what I have--of making better use of my time--paying more attention to Wes and the kids when I'm home and drawing a better line between work and family, and taking better care of myself in the process.

Cheers. 

Five!

 Dani turned five this week.  Five!  Where does the time go?

It's been quite a year for our not-so-little Dani.

She started Pre-K.  She waits for the bus, with her Super Mario backpack, just like a big kid.  Every night at dinner, she's so eager to tell us about what her buddies did at school, to sing us songs, and tell us about her day.  When we drive around town, she loves to point out her friends' houses, and she's learning how to get places, telling me while I'm driving which way I should be going.

For weeks, she was singing songs in anticipation of her Christmas concert at school.  When the flyer came home, I was scheduled to be in court, but at the last minute, the matter was adjourned so I was able to go.  With some help, I snagged a second row seat.  She walked out with the twelve children in her class, anxiously looking around, and she saw me and Grandma Deb.  She frantically waved, and was so excited to sing to us.  Tears rolled down my cheeks while she sang and danced, "I'm a little snowman, look at me." 

There was my baby, up on stage, at school, in her first concert.

 She's the first one to offer to help, before I have to ask her.

Usually, she's the first one to tattle, unless she's joining in the mischief with Tori and Tommy.

She's quick to laugh, and make silly faces and sounds.

She's getting good at talking back too--Mommy, apparently, is very often wrong, you know.

And she's getting SO BIG--she's the tallest kid in her class, and comes up almost to my shoulders.

And she still wants to snuggle, as often as possible.  But these days, she reminds you more of one of those big dogs who doesn't realize she's not a lap dog, as she piles on top of me on the couch or asks me to pick her up.

 It's hard to believe she's five.

I swear, just yesterday she was a baby, trying to gnaw my face off.

And wow, I had far fewer grey hairs back then!

 It was so much easier back when there was just one.

I had so much time for just focusing on her...and celebrating the silliest of holidays, like her first St. Patty's day photos.

 She loves fiercely.

From the moment we brought Tori home, and she exclaimed "Baby" and kissed her, she embraced the role of big sister.

 And she couldn't wait to do it again with Tommy.

 She usually sets a pretty good example for them to follow.

And she is naturally good at sharing the spotlight.  It's interesting that when she chooses characters that she likes best, it's most often the supporting ones.  She prefers Luigi to Mario, Robin to Batman, Widget to Wubbzy.  She's the first one to hand over the coveted toy of the moment so Tommy won't cry, and to share her goodies with Tori without being asked.  An action not accompanied by please or thank you is nearly non-existent with her.

She changed my life.

She taught me how to love with a depth I did not know I possessed.

She taught me, and continues to teach me every day, important lessons like these:

A walk around the block can be magical if you find pinecones.

The boxes stuff comes in are often more fund to play with than the stuff.

Everything is better with sprinkles.

Always make time for another kiss and hug.

Bedtime songs are way better than bedtime books...Raindrops on Roses is still her favorite.

Getting dressed is more fun if you don't care if your clothes match.

You don't need a reason to turn off the lights and have a glow stick party.

Knock knock jokes don't have to be funny to be funny to toddlers.
All you need is a sunny day and a maple tree seed pod to turn into a unicorn.

 

And the most amazing part is that this is just the beginning.  The beginning of the life of my amazing little Dani.  As much as I selfishly hate to see her to grow so independent, I love to see her roots grow stronger as my little flower reaches for the sunlight.

Happy birthday, Dani.

Being Thankful.

 I should be working right now.  Have a computer bag full of files that need my attention.

But I can't.

I spent a few hours at a wake for a classmate of mine.  Two years ahead of me, with a young son, and she's dead.  Cancer.

Isn't that our worst fear?  That type of tragedy?  Leaving the world too early, before our children are grown, while they still need us to tuck them in at night, kiss their boo boos, and raise them?

No child should ever have to know that loss; no parent should have to either.

So I am pausing for a minute or two tonight to be thankful.

For sunny afternoons on the playground.

For dress up games.

 For coloring, and silly faces.

Family dinners.

 Playtime with out of town family.

For every moment I get to enjoy with these little kiddos, and their daddy.

We never really know if we will see tomorrow.

Make the most of each day.

I'm going to make sure I try to.

Of mice and men. Or fairies and superheroes.

And it was Halloween. 

Halloween has always been one of my absolute favorite holidays.  Back in my younger, funner, thinner cuter days, I was always dressed up and at a party or a bar to celebrate Halloween.  Even now, I dress up with the kids (this year, like last, I was a cow which is less and less like a costume for me), because Halloween is just magic.  The girls were fairy princesses.  Tommy, Superman.  If Tommy could choose, he would wear Superman every day.  We have about 4 Superman shirts in his size, and every morning he asks for Superman...so chances are, he's wearing a Superman shirt every time you see him...and the shirt is clean--I can't make the same promise about Tommy...he may or may not be clean, and we aren't so good on baths.  Grandma Deb had a super cool cheetah costume--she and Wes took Dani and Tori trick or treating while Tommy and I handed out treats.

 It was a crappy, rainy night.  Only three houses on our block had lights on, so Dani and Tori weren't gone too long.  Halloween in my city is a vicious cycle.  We literally have about 700 people come to the door--kids, full-on adults and everything in between. When I was a kid, trick or treating meant staying in your neighborhood, or traveling to a friend's house and walking in theirs.  Nowadays it seems to be an all-out candy grab.  In my line of work locally, its fair to say I recognize a fair number of folks who come to my door--and many don't live nearby...but they live in perfectly walkable neighborhoods, but they come to mine to trick or treat.  And I don't say that to suggest my neighborhood is superior in any way, but it's a very wide street, with sidewalks and street lights, and is very popular for trick or treating.   So, it's impossibly expensive to get enough goodies to hand out, and every year fewer and fewer people turn their lights on, so more people drive around to other neighborhoods to find places for their kids to trick or treat, and the cycle continues.

This year, I bought:

4 gross (576) vampire teeth

4 gross (576) spider rings

100 piece toy/candy assortment (but I sent in about 50 pcs to Dani's class)

100 Fortune Teller Miracle Fish.

My amazon.com order was $79.

And, my friend, Jessica, came over with some toys to hand out as well.  This was the first year I ever had enough loot to last the two hours of trick or treating.

In any event, my kiddos were thrilled to get a bit of candy.

Dani manned the door all night--we can remove the glass from our storm door, so it is a keep-kids-in barrier, but is perfect to hand out items to trick or treaters.  Dani wanted to talk to each kid that came to the door, telling them about the cuteness of their costumes, and mentioning that she sees them ont the school bus and being completely oblivious to the fact that from a trick or treater's perspective, we are only the handers out of candy--and in the brief moments it slowed down, she was shouting to the street, "We have treats for you!"

 Tori had only a passing interest in handing out candy.  She was far more interested in consuming lollipop after lollipop.  But she was just darling in her dress.  (I bought the girls' dresses at a consignment sale, for about $10 each...Tori's is so exquisite, I am seriously considering it as a Christmas dress.)

And, they had fairy wings, and wands and all that good stuff too. 

And, in other news, elections are over, and I almost have my life back but first I have to catch up at work.  And the chaos continues.

 



Where are you going, my little one?

Dear Dani,
It is happening too quickly.
Just a few minutes ago, I swear, I was a nervous and pregnant 35 year old, wondering how I would ever know what to do as your mom.  Wondering if I would do okay, if I would have that magical moment where I laid eyes on you and fell in love.  And I did.  Wondering if I would know how to raise you, and teach you and be your mom.  Really, it feels like yesterday.

But it wasn't.  Today I enrolled you in Pre-K.  In just a few short months, you're going to be riding a school bus, headed to school to make friends, and learn even more that you can imagine.  You're an amazing little girl--with a brain like a sponge, always learning, never forgetting, and consummately polite.  We're so proud of the girl you are becoming.

And, on days like today, it feels like you're becoming a girl too quickly, and it makes me want to squeeze you tight and ask you not to grow up, to stay my baby.

Like we sing at bedtime, "when I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things, and then I don't feel so bad".  You, my love are one of my favorite things.  My big girl is going to school.

Seven years.

Whenever Big Man and I celebrate a wedding anniversary, the number always seems too low. I know, I know, everyone says that. But I really mean it.

He and I met my first year of college. I was just a kid, from a small town, dropped off in the big city of Chicago. I went out early because I was on the soccer team--and he was on the football team. When pre-season ended, we were in the same house of the same dorm. And we were both work study, and had jobs at the gym--he was my boss.

Now, the year was 1991. Our campus seemed pretty safe, but it was like a little college oasis in the midst of a much harder 'hood. (**Big Man if you are reading this, I'm not trying to embellish, really, perhaps the years have romanticized this story in my mind...just in case you think my story is a bit off.) Big Man and I were friendly. We had a lot in common with sports and dorms and all. I used to work at the gym until 11pm or midnight, and walk home alone after work, without ever thinking that it was risky. For Pete's sake, there were sidewalks and streetlights, so it had to be safe, thought the little girl from upstate New York.

The early 90s were somewhat of a rough time for racial relations--and we were just in somewhat of a rough 'hood. The Rodney King incident happened, and there were isolated incidents of violence on or near campus that referenced a response to that. And one night there was a police report that a college-age woman was kidnapped walking alone at night, at around 11pm, on the general route I traveled home from the gym after work. And as soon as it happened, the next time I worked, a handsome young man showed up at the end of my shift at the gym to walk me back to our dorm, to make sure I was safe. There may have been a thank you kiss or two. And then we were together, an item, and so in love.

Fast forward a bit, and silly B, a tender young lass, decided the wanted her freedom--she was young, and cute (and as the old poem goes, gather ye rosebuds while ye may) and in love all the same, but mercurial as most college girls are. After days of crying on my best friend Gina's shoulder, telling her, "Big Man is the kind of guy I want to marry, but I'm only 18 and I'm not ready yet!" I know, it sounds crazy, but it's true. Gina remembers the conversation.

So when we stopped dating, he moved into the role of one of my closest friends. Through college and beyond, we were always in touch--and saw each other when we could. There's a really funny memory I have about a trip to Cleveland after college--and a barely-safe motel, because that's all we could find. Someone (not me) stayed awake all night, or close to it, to be sure nothing crazy happened.

Lots of years in between; he did his thing in Michigan, I did my thing in NY. But we always stayed in touch, and he would always visit NY on his way to CT to visit his brothers and family.

And then there was the visit.
THE visit.
It wasn't planned as a romantic visit. In fact, he was supposed to visit for President's weekend with two other college friends (Jessie and Chang). At the last minute, Jessie and Chang didn't come. Big Man did.
It was just him and me.
And I was 18 again.
And he kissed me.
He started driving from Michigan to New York regularly.
He proposed. Of course, I said yes. I also told him that I didn't want kids, and told him he should be sure he wanted to marry me as he was meant to be a dad.
He gave up his career and moved here.
He started over, job-wise. The US doesn't have uniform police training standards, so when he decided to go back into law enforcement here, he had to go to the academy again, in his mid-30s.
And he's excelled. He's done very well in his career.

His hard work has permitted me to follow my own career dreams. (ie earn no money)

And, somewhere along the way, all the pieces of my life fit together so well, and I knew it was time. Time to have kids. The girl who never wanted to be a mom, loved so much she wanted to see the man she loves be a dad.

Fast forward seven years-- we have three wonderful babies after a heckuva hard time as we lost the first.

But that which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, they say.

Minimally it makes you appreciate what you have.

And I have a life partner. A best friend. A husband who has exceeded my every expectation.

Who can still put butterflies in my tummy, and who still can me me feel like the prettiest girl in the room....despite my age, and my weight, and everything.

Who I fall in love with all over again every time I look at her:

or her:
or him:

Happy Anniversary, Big Man.

Reconnecting.

Throughout my life, for a number of reasons, I've lost touch with close friends. Off the top of my head, I can think of a number of people that I've really cared about, who, either due to hurt feelings from a silly disagreement, or just kind of drifting away after a while, it just happened. And those few days, turned into weeks, and even into years. I often thought about them, with mixed emotion, wondering whose fault it was that we weren't talking anymore, wondering whether they missed me, or had simply forgotten. Had I become just an old friend on a page in a photo album who didn't fit into their new life, or did they think of me from time to time as I thought of them?

I suppose it is a testament to true friendship that many of these paths have crossed again. I'm not sure how, whether I reached out, or they did, but the important thing is that it happened. These friends are back in my life, and I'm glad they are. Immensely glad. And when they came back in, it was as natural as if no time had passed. A couple of them are regular readers--and I love you guys.

It happened again tonight. A few weeks ago, via facebook, I reconnected with a close friend from high school who I hadn't seen or spoken to in about six years. (He has never met Big Man, so it's at least six years.) We were close friends and academic rivals in high school, stayed in touch throughout college and our 20s. We even went to our 5 year high school reunion together. Always a sucker for an open bar, I went to his brother's wedding too. He was always like a brother to me, and we used to argue like siblings, over everything and anything. Back in the day, we'd get together every time he came in from Boston, which was at least a few times per year.

He told me he was going to be in town for the day visiting his dad, and asked if I wanted to get together. So I invited him over for pizza and to meet the family. I'm so glad I did.

Unfortunately, it was a work night for Big Man, so he was in bed when Robert came over, so they didn't get to meet. Next time, I will make sure it happens. And there will be a next time.

Over pizza and wings, McScreamy's fussing, and Dani's zany energy, we spent a few hours catching up. It was as natural as if I'd seen him last month. Welcome back, friend.

I will make every effort to not let a lapse in contact happen with anyone I care about again. It seems to me that with every new technology, we as people manage to become more distant. Cell phones constantly interrupt conversations, because people feel compelled to answer them at the dinner table and everywhere else, despite the fact that answering them interrupts an actual face to face conversation. Email means that you don't actually have to call people on the phone and talk to them, or god forbid, write an actual letter. Facebook lets you keep track of a ton more people's lives, but at a greater distance.

I'm going to make more of an effort to stay in better touch with the people I care about. In touch for real, with calls and visits. Now that Big Man is back to work, and I'm home evenings, I can make calls, or invite folks over for coffee or wine, or to play with Dani and Tori. And I will.

Just as my daughters will learn what to expect from a marriage by watching Big Man and I, they will learn about friendship, first from observing ours, and then by forging their own. I will teach my daughters to be good friends by working to be a better one to mine.

Tonight I was reminded about the importance of friendship, of making and keeping connections for a lifetime, from one of my oldest friends. For that, I am thankful.